My friend, Todd.

Every year around this time, I start to feel helpless, sad and downright depressed. On the 25th of this month, it will be six years ago that my best friend died. I've been fortunate enough to meet some great people in my short life, many of them I have known for years. Todd (my best friend), was truly special. To this day, he remains the greatest person I've ever met. I only knew him for two years, but six years after his death, I still miss him as much as I did the day he died. To me, that speaks volumes about him.

I've progressed in life since his passing. I got married... bought a house... and moved on... but not really. Since the day he passed, I've never been the same... but I suppose that is to be expected to some extent. I lost a lot of weight, I gained a ton of weight, made some great new friends, lost those same friends, gained new meaning in my life only to lose it all and take several steps backward in life. I've battled with plenty of mental health issues since then... and let me tell you, it's been the toughest thing I've ever faced and tried to deal with.

I've hurt my friends, I've hurt my family and I've hurt myself over the last six years. To be honest, it all stems from that day that feels like it was so, so long ago and yet, also seems like it was yesterday. You see, the night before he died, he asked if I wanted to hangout. Keep in mind we work at the same place, and I have to open the next day. So, I told him that I didn't want to do anything because I had to open. I told him to take it easy and that I'd see him tomorrow. Well... I never saw him again.

The next day I opened the store and went about business as usual. I called him part of the way through my shift... for what? I don't recall, but he didn't answer. I thought nothing of it, he was probably sleeping in late, that was normal for him. Once it got a little past two in the afternoon, which was when he was supposed to come in to work, I was a little worried. Sure, he had been late before... but something wasn't quite right... I could just feel it. After several calls to his cellphone, which of course went unanswered, I panicked. I called his house, no answer. Finally, I called one of his closest friends... and his Mom answered. "Where's Todd?" I asked. She stammered for a moment, "Todd died." she said. I felt my heart sink, the world stopped and I was completely floored. I ended up calling her again, because I wasn't sure I really heard what she said. Everything after that, kinda blurs together... a lot of crying, a lot of support from the great people in my life at that time... and the only time I've ever gotten drunk in my life.

 His wake and funeral came and went, his birthday (not even a month after his death) came and went... nothing seemed to matter. Over the next few months I put on a fake front that implied I was feeling better and getting things together (which NOBODY fell for) and I managed to have some decent times during the first year he was gone. I met my future Wife, moved into an apartment with her and had some good times with great friends that I've never done enough for. Long story short, my life fell apart because I was a mess and I've lost nearly all of those great friends and really got into a funk with panic and anxiety. If it were not for my Wife's patience, understanding and outright faith in me, I wouldn't be writing this today.

I have felt for so many years that it was my fault he died because I wasn't with him. If I had gone with him, he might not have died. The truth is, there was nothing I could have done, I had no way of knowing what would happen. I needed to accept this, and I finally feel I have... it wasn't my fault. There were things going on in his life that nobody (or at least not a lot of people) were aware of. There are things that I know, that nobody else knows. Todd had demons that he couldn't easily share, and clearly couldn't deal with... and it's really sad that bad things get ahold of good people and ruin them from the inside out. His end was unfortunate, premature and honestly... totally avoidable. If you are reading this and you need help, please tell your family and friends... they will help you... if you let them.

I want to remember the Todd that was my best friend. I want to remember all the fun times we had in the short time we knew each other. Everywhere we went, somebody knew him, everybody loved him. He was just about the nicest guy you could ever meet and was always fun to be around.

I miss him dearly. I would like nothing more than to talk with him one more time, to properly say goodbye.

If there is one thing that I learned from my short time with him, it's that you should enjoy every second of life... it's far too precious to waste being miserable. Maybe now, I can finally start to do just that.